Whenever I plan a trip, I scour the reviews; the good, the bad, and the unintentionally hilarious. I like a full picture, but some people just can’t seem to leave their modern expectations at the castle gate.
Lullingstone Castle is stunning, provided you actually like historic houses and gardens. But it got me thinking: if the most “block-headed” modern reviewers were transported back in time, would they still find something to moan about?
Probably. Here is what Lullingstone’s comment section might have looked like over the last 500 years.
Lullingstone Castle Reviews Through the ages:
Gery of Boyntone
“Visited Lullingstone en route to a grand gathering of carts and wheeled contraptions. By my honour, the place is well-nigh impossible to find! Why have they not invented better signpostings? Is it not the Year of our Lord 1497? Even the local serfs seemed bewildered.
Met several other Lords equally lost in the brambles. And the privies… unholy! A disgrace to sanitation! Simply a hole in the ground. Where art thou, Roman aqueducts? After forty years of tourneys and crusades, this ranks among the worst. One star. I shall take my custom to Hever.”
Mistress Anastasia Wylsone
“Red brick and Tudor flint mirrored in the River Darent; Lullingstone pulses with a quiet grandeur. The gatehouse offers a steady, sentinel gaze over a World Garden blooming in the Kentish valley, where ancient Roman ghosts sleep beneath the verdant turf.
Truly a sanctuary for the soul… however, TEN SHILLINGS to enter?! Outrageous! My purse is lighter than a courtier’s promise. One star for the highway robbery!”
Miss Alexandrina Lismore-Smythe
“I regret to report that access to the estate is most inadequate for those of us who require a wheel-chair for mobility. One is confined largely to the ground floor of the manor, while the higher elevations and parts of the church remain frustratingly inaccessible.
Did the architects not consider the requirements of the differently-abled? One cannot help but feel that modern notions of inclusivity have not yet reached this otherwise charming property. A most disappointing lack of progress for the 19th Century.”
Count Andrew de Svirsky
“The estate is regrettably inhospitable to hounds. The presumption that my companion might defile the masonry or consume an exotic botanical is utter insanity. My Bacchus is a purebred of the highest intelligence and most refined palate! He has better manners than the footmen.
This anti-hound attitude must change! I shall be writing a sternly worded letter to the Spectator.”
Lady Antonia de Karsavyn
“A most delightful excursion! The gardens are charming, and I took particular pleasure in visiting Her Majesty’s Bathhouse. It is quite the height of fashion.
Unfortunately, having accidentally caught a glimpse of Her Majesty in her natural state, I have been informed I am to be hanged for treason on Tuesday. A pity! The lavender was lovely, regardless.”
Oberleutnant Hans
“Target in sight… but wait. What is this? Such a beautiful garden—extraordinary plants from across the globe. Quite wunderbar.
And the tea room? The Victoria Sponge is a triumph of homemade engineering. I find myself… conflicted. I could not bring myself to drop the payload on such a display of horticulture. Some things are too schön to destroy. I shall return after the armistice… purely for the cake.”
The Verdict: 500 Years of Brutal Lullingstone Castle Reviews
Lullingstone Castle has survived civil wars, religious upheavals, and even the occasional Luftwaffe pilot, so it can certainly survive a few block-headed comments.
If you do decide to visit, please enjoy the World Garden, mind the stairs, and for heaven’s sake; don’t look at the Queen while she’s bathing. It rarely ends well for your star rating, or your neck.
